Flitting about town

There are many options for zipping about Hanoi. Truthfully, they all have their perils Sheryl! The first thing to note is this: PUT YOUR LONELY PLANET AWAY! You will never get a bargain if you are loitering on a street corner looking confused and bandying a travel guide around. Now, with that out of the way, lets get down to brass tacks shall we?

Cyclo:

Do you ever have flashbacks to being a baby in a pram? No? Get in a cyclo and you will! Because being in a cyclo is like being pushed head first into chaotic traffic – if anybody on the cyclo is going to get killed by a teenager on a motorbike, it will be you because you are the first point of impact. That said, if you feel the urge to re-enact ye olde colonial times or go all “memoirs of a (albeit Vietnamese) Geisha” then jump on in! The cost of a cyclo varies considerably and it is not unheard of for tourists to be charged upward of 100,000VND. The best option is to ask your hotel to arrange a cyclo for you and ask them to discuss the price with the cyclo driver.

Xe Om:

A Xe Om is a motorbike taxi, which, is essentially, any bloke who has a motorbike. Therefore, the quality and the skill of a xe om driver is extremely variable. Generally speaking the xe oms near major tourist sites although more expensive are reliable and used to dealing with foreigners. For reasons that remain a mystery, Lonely Planet advises that you organize the price with the driver before you get on the bike. This is ridiculous! First, how many tourists do you know who are familiar with the current prices of Xe Oms? Second, the general rule is, if you have to ask then you obviously don’t know. Bottom line: you will end up paying much more than you should if you ask first. The general prices are from the Temple of Lit or Uncle Ho’s mausoleum to Hoan Kiem Lake should be about 20,000VND. From the old quarter to West Lake will cost you 20,000VND and from the old quarter to Ciputra will be 30,000-40,000VND. So, tell the driver where you are going/ show him the address and jump on. When you arrive, get off the motorbike hand the driver the money (as close to correct money as possible) and say “Cam on Anh!” (pron. “come ern ang”). If the driver tries to ask for more and you don’t want to pay him any extra, simply smile and say “khong a! Het roi” (pron. “Kom ah! Het zoi”). If he says something bad, what do you care? You don’t speak Vietnamese anyway!

The Helmet Law

It is now Vietnamese law that everybody must where a helmet when traveling on a motorbike. Real xe om drivers will have a spare helmet. If you’re worried about head lice, then we would advise you to tie up those gorgeous locks in a hat or head scarf before putting your helmet on.

Traveling by xe om at night:

This is a very risky idea. Male tourists have been known to be robbed by drivers, and there are a lot of female travelers who have been raped or sexually assaulted. We strongly encourage you NOT to take a xe om at night – instead take a taxi with a group of friends. However, if you MUST take a xe om, we recommend that you stop in at Red Mask on Ta Hien and have a drink or a cheese toastie and ask Hien (the owner) if one of her brothers will be a xe om driver. These guys are safe and reliable. Just make sure that you repay the kindness (of not being attacked) by having at least one drink in the glorious dive that is Red Mask. Also, make sure that you have your mobile on you. Just in case.

Taxi:

There are a lot of incredibly dodgy taxi drivers and companies in Hanoi. Some have meters that increase too quickly, others have gropy molesters for drivers. Generally speaking the best companies are Van Xuan (8.222.888), CP or Hanoi. These are the more respectable companies (although the drivers can be rude) as their meters increase at a sensible speed. There is also a company in Hanoi that has all female drivers but the name escapes us at the moment. Regardless, good safety rules are always sit in the back seat and roll down the window. This is because often the back doors can only be opened from the outside, so at least if the window is open you will be able to reach out and open the door yourself to escape from grabby drivers.

Onward and Upward: travel agents

There are basically two kinds of tourists in Hanoi. Those that are traveling with a package tour (a la Intrepid) or those who are on a play-it-as-we-see-it kind of trip. And in Hanoi there are more than enough travel agents that will book stuff for you. In and around the old quarter there are millions of open tour/sinh cafe outlets. Their specialty is providing grotty be-dreadlocked tourists with $4 bus tickets. Most also offer trips to Ha Long bay and Sapa and will offer you some hotels to choose from. The problem is this, these agents are kind of like the Sopranos. They’re only your friends when you are paying them money to stay at hotels that they have chosen. Forget choice because you will stay where they tell you. So if you had vague plans to have some input in your hols (and weren’t really planning for a pushy Vietnamese lady wearing mustard and hot pink to plan your holiday) another possibility is to go and see Brighde Reed at iTravel (25 Hang Be). Now let it be said that we have not used her services (we are far to busy bitching about Hanoi to actually go anywhere!) but know this, Brighde is a former guide for Intrepid, speaks Vietnamese and has no hidden agenda. She is also quite possibly the nicest person in the world. But we know that you don’t want to only pay for nice Delores! So go and see her and see what she can do for you – especially if you are interested in ethnic tourism, and if there’s nothing- you obviously have no class then “no van de” you can go check out another place. But be warned the $4 bus trip is cheap for a reason!

Update: Death to the Cow

‘Twas a very sad evening indeed when the Spotted Cow closed it’s grimy doors. Where will the middled aged northern English men drink? Where will their 12 year old wives go to play cards (and bask in the disturbing glory of having married somebody older than their father)? Actually, before anybody sets up an NGO to deal with horrifying tragedy, rest assured that all the old codgers have already relocated to Jaspas and reports are that they are doing fine in their new environment. ANYWAY, the premises has been taken over by the Al Frescos Group who have put in a bar/coffee shop/eatery called JoJo’s. And, after much bitching about the rent and where the kitchen would fit, it is now open. Although we haven’t eaten there it would not be presumptuous to assume that JoJo’s will be offering the same franchised food that they offer in Papa Joes and Al Frescos – although, judging by the black and gold signs it could well be a Donna Summer or Rick James tribute bar! Mary Jane indeed!

More Places to Nibble at

You didn’t really think that we would only give ONE entry about eating did you? Oh darling, how little you know us!

JAFA Ciputra

For most tourists, JAFA will be a little out of the way. But if you are one of the Jet Set and live out at Ciputra (Sip-oo-chaaa for the Xe Om driver), then JAFA is your best bet. The menu is super wide ranging and has a good selection of modern cuisine. The prices are a little higher than many other restaurants but that is the price you pay for eating with the bold and the beautiful. Also, you can be rest assured that if you order a coffee it will be good. JAFA is open from brekky until late and they also deliver. Worth ordering is the ham and cheese panini and anything of theirs with lamb. All of the white monkeys (managers) are either Aussie or Kiwi. Be nice to them because they will bust out the ‘Singstar’ for their fave customers.

Foodshop 45 Truc Bach

Word on the street is that the owner of Foodshop used to work for one of the other Indian restaurants in town and then when they knew all of the recipes buggered off and started Foodshop. Although the food does not have quite the complexity of tastes as say, Tandoor or India Palace, Foodshop is still darn good. The food is cheap and filling (expect to pay $10 for two including beer) and the setting is peaceful. The restaurant overlooks Truc Bach lake and has beautiful windows that open out so that you can feel the breeze. For those Brits who are missing out on their 3am Chicken Tikka and the opportunity to throw racial slurs at the poor medical student who will most likely stitch up the wounds on your drunken head, you won’t find it here. Which, actually is brilliant for the rest of us!  The menu has the full array of what you would expect in an Indian restaurant, including a really good chickpea salad. The BEST thing in the whole wide world about Foodshop is that they deliver and the people on the phone are RIDICULOUSLY competent!

 India Palace78 Xuan Dieu, Westlake

If you’ve ever fancied yourself in a Bollywood flick, the shimmy yourself to India Palace, one of the most expensive Indian restaurants in town. The interiors are so ‘Far Pavillions’ that you will want to call yourself Ash and Anjuli and swan around. The food here is GOOOOOD. So good in fact, that the Indian embassy all dine here. The food though, is spicy. Not the kind of spicy that actually is a gastronomic whimper but a Diwali-in-your-mouth kind of spicy – so consider yourself warned. India Palace delivers and is firm favorite with the posher Brits.

Restaurant Bobby Chinn

All of the guides will tell you that Bobby Chinn is the place to be. Right off the bat, we have to say that we have NEVER dined there, so we can only tell you what other people say. Reviews are mixed about the food. Some say it’s the best thing since sliced bread, others say that it is over priced for what it is. It certainly looks posh, so don’t expect it to be bargain basement prices. If you are a fan of Bobby Chinn’s TV show, then check it out and let us know about your experiences. Be aware though, there is a persistent rumour from various sources that say that the staff there frequently get slapped for wrongdoings. We’re just saying.

It’s Pimms O’Clock!

It’s always nice to end your day/begin your evening with a little tipple. There are lots of places to have a little drinky poo – it really depends on your personality.

Intercontinental Westlake

Oh how we love the Intercon. Although the staff to guest ratio (4:1) is a little overwhelming combined with the Mem Sahib -iness of it all, we don’t care because it’s just SO posh! Get gussied up and go for a drink before heading out somewhere else. Head for the bar and ask to be seated outside by the pool – don’t worry too much because 6 staff will jump you and escort you to the right place. When your drink arrives (Pimms for us thanks kitten) refrain from giggling as the waitress kneels (gasp!) down and pours your drink and unwraps your straw for you. It’s so OTT it’s hilarious. Aside from the beauty and serenity of the place, the Intercon is a great place to watch the Vietnamese Nouveau Riche try as hard as they can to show off their riches.

The Spotted Cow Hai Ba Trung

The Cow is like Cheers. It has a bunch of 10 regulars who drink there everyday. Almost all of the patrons are in their 40’s and talk about standard middle aged things (golf, ex wives, new wives). Still there is something like-able about the place, especially if you are looking for somewhere quiet where you can chat with mates. The menu is suitably manish (think steak sangas, meat pies, HP Sauce) and somewhat overpriced. The decor ain’t pretty either, unless you’re fond of cow motifs and the graffiti of many tourists (yes we get it Leanne and Barry were here. WHATEVER!) Many travel guides will tell you that there is frog racing here. There isn’t – although the look on tourists faces when they bundle in only to find a bunch of old fellas drinking is highly entertaining. There is however regular darts nights and a darts competition and the young Vietnamese wives of the regulars all sit around and play cards. So if you are a keen darts player ask the bar staff when the next comp is. BYO Vietnamese wife.

Places to Nosh

There are plenty of places to dine Diana, but life is too short to eat distasteful things. So before you go trundling off to

the nearest backpacker restaurant du jour. Consider the following (we warn you, we don’t love everything and we are quite catty.)

Little Hanoi Ta Hien

Little Hanoi is very popular with tourists and deservedly so. There are in fact two Little Hanoi restaurants on Ta Hien and either is fine. One is slightly bigger and posher than the other. The food is inexpensive and well done. The Tiger beer comes in giant bottles and for only 15,000 VND/or approx 1 US Peso dollar. Go with a gal pal and share the dishes. Worth ordering are the tofu with tomato, the roll your own fresh springrolls with caramelised beef, and the caramelised squid with chilli and lemongrass. Go on Gertie, stuff yourself!

BudMo! 61 To Ngoc Van

An unintentionally kitsch Ukrainian restaurant complete with pictures of Stalin, Lenin and Brezhnev AND Vietnamese staff in Ukrainian fancy dress. Tucked away in the Toorak of Hanoi on To Ngoc Van, BudMo! is great fun if you go with a group of friends. Sit upstairs with Joe (Stalin) and Lenny (Brezhnev) and their impressive eyebrows and play a few games of pool. The food is good and does everything that Ukrainian food should, it soaks up alcohol beautifully! Get the Golubtsy (cabbage rolls), Pelmeni (meat dumplings) and the Schaslik. The highlight though, is the vodka shots that come with a side of black bread, pickled garlic and pork fat. Disgusting as it sounds, you’d be surprised how good it seems after the third shot. Stop at three or allocate a designated hair holder!

Mediterraneo 23 Nha Tho

Standard Italian fare including wood fired pizzas. The food is fine if a little uninspiring and it is on the pricey side (up to 120,000VND for pasta). Worth trying is the gnocchi gorgonzola. Avoid at all costs the salads. They are overpriced and you are expected to dress the salad yourself (tres 70’s!) Also, the décor is channeling Robert Palmer circa 1986 (peach anyone?) Sit upstairs or by the front windows. Pay no heed to the scowling Vietnamese girl clearly lusting after Imelda Marcos’ eyebrows – aside from glaring at customers, we’re not sure what she actually does.

La 25 Ly Quoc Su

If you’re looking for more inspiring fare, then look no further than La. The atmosphere is cozy and the décor understated. The staff are efficient and polite. The prices are slightly higher but it is well worth it as the menu offers some fab dishes. Order the pate and pickled tomato salad and follow it with the potato, roast garlic and cheese soup. The pate, soup and a glass of Pimms set us back 195,000 VND (about $13US) Love the shoes, love the bag, love the dress, love everything. LOVE IT.

The Green Tangerine Hang Be

Once you pass through the front door, you will be transported into another world. With it’s faded French colonialist interiors, you will feel like a character in ‘Indochine’ – and in fact Catherine Deneuve has dined here. It’s so D-vine we can’t even describe it! The food is expensive here but good (actually it’s a little frou frou for us, but other people like it). A better idea would be to stop in for an aperitif before schlepping off to a cheaper place to eat, or popping in for a cool drink in the afternoon. The Green Tangerine is the perfect escape from the bustle and general grime of Hang Be – it’s fabboo shabboo!

Hotels, Hotels

There are practically BAZILLIONS of hotels in Hanoi, and where you stay depends entirely on your budget and your tastes. So! With that in mind….

If you are channeling Posh and Becks…

Head straight to the Metropole, Hilton, Sheraton or Intercontinental. With the exception of the Metropole most of the hotels are a little out of the way so expect to be paying more for your taxi or xe om fares – espec if you are at the Intercon (but then you’re rich so who cares?). However, if you ARE in fact at the Intercon then we wouldn’t bother to even leave the hotel. It’s so posh and shiny!

If you are (alas) not as rich as you desire but have style for Africa….

Don’t even consider the “heart” of the old quarter. The honking of horns and the harassment by various peddlers will drive you bonkers. Instead try some of the hotels in and around the cathedral. Hang Trong has a lot of hotels to peruse at various prices. Some other favs include the Church Hotel in Nha Tho which is ever so swish at about $45 US per night. Another goodie is Little Hanoi on Au Trieu which is right next to the cathedral (about $30 US per night). If you are not quite that rich and are sensible enough to want to stay in the same area, there are HEAPS of cheaper hotels in and around the Cathedral area.  If you are looking for a hotel with a pool then the Army Hotel 33C Pham Ngu Lao is the place for you. Close to the Hilton and complete with a pool, it seems to have had a refurb recently (complete with price hike). Suites are available, and many an expat has called this place home.

If you are a backpacker or a destitute holiday maker

(Sigh, roll of the eyes) There are lots of places for you in and around Ta Hien and the old quarter. Rooms are cheap blah, blah, blah.. There is also a hostel off one of the side streets of Ly Quoc Su.

Bang Me? No thanks I prefer bagels

For breakfast, the best thing to do is to politely decline whatever stale piece of bread your hotel is waving in front of you and go out. The heart of the old quarter will no doubt try to tempt you with a variety of très ordinaire bits and bobs, but persevere Coco! There are some truly spec places lurking around.

Puku (60 Hang Trong)

Blink and you’ll miss the tiny doorway that leads down an ominous alley. Take the first left and head up the stairs into Puku. The atmosphere is airy and relaxed, the menu is good and the prices reasonable. The coffee sucks so don’t order it, instead have a cuppa or a juice. Puku does a great Kiwi breakfast and a decent eggs Benedict, but our fave is the bagel with smoked salmon, cream cheese and capers (approx. 60,000 VND). It comes with a darling wee salad too. WIFI available.

Moka (Nha Tho)

Around the corner in Nha Tho you will find Moka Cafe. It’s chock full of tourists and in the summer they crank the air con up to arctic. But the tiles are lovely and the light fittings are worth a look. They have a massive menu that should allow everybody to find something they like. The food is standard tourist fare but sometimes you just need a banana pancake. WIFI available

Kitchen (9 Xuan Dieu)

Although slightly out of the way for most tourists – unless you’re at the Intercon or Sheraton (hellooo Daddy Warbucks!) Kitchen is worth a visit for the breakfast burrito alone. Scrambled eggs, sausage and coriander wrapped up in a tortilla and dolloped with sour cream, homemade salsa and cheese. Ooh! and you get bacon or sausage on the side! Hurrah! The staff are very friendly which is why Kitchen is a big hangout for the expat community. Although the prices are on the steep side (and as usual, don’t order the coffee) it’s a relaxing place to brunch on a Sunday. In winter, you will be lent a velvet covered hot-water bottle to ward off the chills.

Coffee, tea or me?

For a nation that prides itself on their coffee production a decent latte can be very hard to find. On the whole, visitors to Hanoi should psychologically prepare themselves for the inevitability that the coffee will taste like watery brown bucket water. BUT! Don’t fret Doris! There are some twinkly gems out there.

Au Lac(57 Ly Thai To) does one of the best lattes in town. The setting is very ‘Quiet American’ too. Set in a lovely courtyard opposite the Sofitel Metropole, the coffee is reasonably priced and they do a good eggs Benedict. The service can be a wee bit slow and sullen but the longer you stay in Hanoi the more you will realize that it is de rigeur in most restaurants. WIFI available

Highlands Coffee (Hanoi Towers, the Opera House, Vincom Towers and Trang Tien Plaza) is Vietnam’s version of Starbucks (except drinkable) Highlands offers consistently good coffee (helloooo vanilla latte) and that most rarest of commodities – polite and competent staff! The stores are all dark wood and Dido and although the coffee can be on the pricey side, it makes a delish break from all the honking and “woohoos” that goes with travelling in Hanoi. WIFI available

Hello Dolly!

Welcome to hanoiguide!

We’ve spent a fair amount of time living Hanoi and we know all the best places for you to go, whether you’re on hols or joining the expat riff raff. So if you want to find the best of Hanoi then read on. Ready? Then frolic like a fox and find out more!